I dont want to be a Perfectionist!!

I have received innumerable emails and comments on as to why I haven’t been blogging for so long. Few messages were very sweet and some were compelling me to write. Thanks for all your Love and Affection friends. I apologize for coming up with this after SUCH a long time. Though I was compelled to write something…I simply couldn’t. I blame it all on ‘myself’ for that.

I was into a deep introspection and it was very much necessary at this point of time. What is and who are very important in my life?
Who are the people I need disassociate with who suck all the energy out of you? And associate more with who can add value into your life? Ultimately the time and again asked question … how can anyone forget this question when one is into the introspection?? : P What is the ultimate goal or purpose of my life? What is the strongest ambition that I have?

We all do something or anything for that matter to make ourselves or someone happy. And if someone is a perfectionist like me, he or she will suffer big-time. I never do things which I am not too good at.

I feel singing is something I would love to pursue but I feel I am not competent enough for that! Hence I never sing…except to sing for myself or my friends.

I only realize when my friends tell me that I am good at something …otherwise I think I am futile or no good. That doesn’t mean I enforce things upon my friends and keep asking them to tell me what I am good at and what I am not good at. The least I expect from them is to praise me for what am good at…I am not obsessed with what I have nor I am cribbing for what I don’t have. I feel I have enough and I don’t make use of what I have. Yes, you got it right. I am not tapping my energy and potential right .I don’t start things on my own… I need that initial push as to the momentum that can get me started or even try things which I am not very confident about. But that may not be the case always. I have to understand myself better and be confident, which I lack sometimes due to the compelling nature of being a perfectionist.

I am not boasting about myself at all …These are some of the short-comings of mine that I have realized and I need to work upon. I don’t want to keep this into my heart and crib anymore. I can completely feel that I am not using my potential to the maximum. I am either suppressing it or not letting “myself” out and provide myself the opportunities which can make me realize my potential…wait, wait, wait…opportunities???

But don’t you think there are many opportunities in what ever you want to do?
I am afraid that I will be lost in the competition. There should be some way to kill this competition and the only way is to be perfect in what you do. Back to square one. I am stuck in this vicious cycle of being a perfectionist in whatever I do.

Can someone tell me that “It’s OK. You are a human. You have the right to err.”? Of course yes, but not to repeat those mistakes again!

I thank myself for having few motivating people around me to tell me that it’s OK. Participation is important than being good. Few months ago my company conducted a SuDoKu Championship. I had no plans of participating. One of my colleagues had seen me solving puzzles sometime. He casually suggested me to take part in the SuDoKu Championship. I was hesitant. I always thought I am a Novice. But somehow convinced that participating is no bad I took part in it. I got through the first screening after solving 5 puzzles. 2 were very hard but it had no time limit so I could solve them. Second round had some 15 people short listed. This time there was a time limit and who ever solved first was to win the prize. The competition started, after a while I saw 3-4 people handing over the papers and leaving. I thought I have lost it. There is no need to solve this let me just leave… I am not going to win anyways. But a subtle voice in me told me …so what if you don’t win…there is a challenge here …I want you to solve these puzzles. It had 5 SuDoKu, 2 hard 3 very hard. Somehow I did it at last. I was the 5th or 6th one to leave the room. With the satisfaction that at least I solved the puzzles I left the room. To my surprise I got the 3rd place.

It’s not necessary to be perfect or excellent in whatever you do to WIN. I believe its persistence that gets you a WIN almost ALWAYS. SuDoKu is something that I practice not very often than I practice chess…I guess my passion is more towards Logic (SuDoKu numbers) than is towards strategy (Chess) :P (Practice more?)

I feel like a caged pigeon. I want to fly. Fly like “The Seagull – Jonathan Livingston”. Not to be a perfectionist but to love and enjoy each and every bit of my journey towards being a perfectionist. Love and enjoy each and every bit of my journey from perfectionist to excellence. I hope I will never reach that state of perfectionism or excellence. There is always room for improvement and plenty of room for learning.

This is no END. I have found an alternate way out. Identify all the energy drains…close the caps forever! Do things little by little. Step by step. Enjoy the journey. And the Journey Never Ends… At least not until I am Gone!